Monday, August 10, 2009

Those Wild And Crazy Wrestlers




My favorite wrestler was alway the "wild" wrestler. The one they found in the jungle or in some remote land where he's so crazy he doesn't even speak english (or any other language). First of all if he's really wild, he wouldn't know who to attack. He'd attack his manager, the announcer and the referee. And once he attacked his opponent he'd never stop until the opponent was dead. He's uncivilized yet he knows how to deposit his checks and stop wrestling when the ref says break? This was the character that made me realize that wrestling was just "entertainment". I'd love to see the wild character in unscripted sports like basketball. He's so wild and fast he steals the ball as they inbound it and he immediately dunks it. He just keeps doing this over and over again. Even when the end of the quarter buzzer goes off he keeps dunking the ball and his teamates have to drag him back to the bench. Eventually the league changes the rules to take the boredom out of the game. They also kick him out the league because a NBA player can't be from "parts unknown".

What if he played football? Of course the wild football player sacks the quarterback and get's suspended for trying to eat him. He returns a few weeks later and does it again. He's suspended again for the rest of the season. Now everyone wants an interview with him but he doesn't have a publicist or phone (not to mention he's so wild he can't talk). The NFL allows him to come back but they institute a new "no growling or chewing the helmet" rule into the league. Some are pissed that he was reinstated faster than Michael Vick. When he returns the following season it's the highest rated game ever. The quarterback fumbles his first five possesions and the crowd boo's and chants of "coward" are directed toward him. He finally attempts a passing play and our wild player sacks him but as soon as the he and the qb hit the ground 20 police officers rush the field and arrest him for assault. The next day Al Sharpton holds a press conference and announces that the police have no right to stop this man from making a living. The video footage is the most tivoed moment in sports and no one can decide if he was about to eat the quarterback or not. Before a trial can be held our wild player dies a controversial death in jail. Some say he choked on a cellmate some say he was brutally beaten and then they stuffed part of the cellmate down his throat as a cover up. One day we'll know the truth.

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