Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Interview with Bubbles the chimp.

It's business as usual in the lobby of the Sofitel hotel. Producers and managers lie to each other. Beautiful women try out dress each other as D list stars pretend to be A list stars. They say you can tell when a real star has entered a room because the energy changes and all eyes are on the star. Apparently a real star has entered the room. Due to autograph seekers and paparazzi (where did they come from?) It takes a few minutes for Bubbles and his entourage to make it to the area I have reserved for our interview. After I make sure that Bubbles knows I'm not a real journalist we get to it.

Hugh: What’s up Bubbles?

Bubbles: Nice meeting you Hugh. I heard a lot about you.

Hugh: I notice you haven't been in the public eye lately. What has Bubbles been up to?

Bubbles: I just chill at the crib a lot. I'm not gonna tell you where I live because I don't need the press annoying me. I remember how crazy things used to get when I lived with Michael. Helicopters and photographers hiding in the bushes. Fuck all that.

Hugh: Oh yeah my condolences man. Where were you when you heard the news?

Bubbles: I was at home watching the news like everyone else. Michael is the only one who had my number.

Hugh: So how did you get in touch with the family?

Bubbles: I called the family but their number changed. I ran into Jermaine Jr. and Jermajesty (2 of Jermaine’s sons) at a 7-11 and they didn't believe it was me. They thought it was another chimp trying to be me. They dropped their shit and ran

Hugh: Why didn't you go after them?

Bubbles: Come on man you know I'm not gonna be out there chasing motherfuckers. How would that shit look? A chimp chasing two black people in the street. It's cool though. I hadn't seen them since they were really little man.

Hugh: How did you finally get the number?

Bubbles: A friend of a friend know's members of the R&B group Full Force.

Hugh: Yeah I remember them. They're from Brooklyn right?

Bubbles: Well I dont' know about all that shit but they produced an album for Latoya back in the day and Baby Gerry, I think it was Baby Gerry, either Baby Gerry or Shy Shy had Latoyas old number and it turns out she never changed the shit. She had her own phone in her room at the house. So I spoke to Latoya and we reminisced and then she put Ms. Jackson on the phone. She's so sweet. She said they still loved me and I just started crying like a baby man. That family means a lot to me.

Hugh: I remember seeing old video footage or you and Michael. How did he treat you when there weren’t any cameras around?

Bubbles: Whatever Michael had I had. He's was always nice to me. Now the animal handlers? That's a different story. That's all I'm going say about that. Im working on a script about that right now.

Hugh: Will you be able to sell it?

Bubbles: That's not a problem at all. Lifetime and Animal Planet have already started a bidding war and I haven't even finished it yet. The problem is Animal Planet doesn't really have a film division and I'm not sure I want my script to be their guinea pig. You know what I'm saying?

Hugh: No doubt. That’s crazy, though. I didn't know you wrote.

Bubbles: I've been fucking around with writing for a minute. I wrote a romantic comedy back in 86 and Michael said it was too much like Moonstruck so I just let it collect dust. He was always on me to be original. Bubbles don’t bite, come up with your own shit. That’s what he used to say. I miss that dude.

Hugh: So you don’t want to act?

Bubbles: Not really, I'm gonna do some behind the scenes shit because when I'm in public or in front of the camera people just look at me like I'm a monkey. They don’t respect me when I act. Just my opinion. No offense to any other animal actors out there doing their thing.

Hugh: Why didn't you ever testify on Michaels behalf in court.

Bubbles: Because he didn't need me. He wasn't accused of animal abuse so I think I would have just been a distraction. Plus that shit would have looked stupid. A chimp on the witness stand. People would have thought Michael was crazy. I play my position baby. I don't fuck with court like that.

Hugh: Did you ever try and date Janet.

At this point, Bubbles stood up and put his hand in his pocket.

Bubbles: Ask me another dumb question like that and see what happens. I like you Hugh but if you ask me some ridiculous shit like that again and I'm gonna go ape on your ass.

Hugh: Leave the jokes to me. That shit isn't even remotely funny.

Bubbles: I'm not trying to be funny! You know primates and humans don't intermingle like that so don't ask questions like that. That shit is disgusting! No offense but hooking up with a human is just nasty. They eat squid, caviar, eggs, Crunch & Munch, chitterlings and pigs feet. You guys are nasty. No offense. When I was on tour with Michael I'd see sweat drip into the dancers mouths and they wouldn't even spit that shit out. Yuck!

Hugh: Damn son, I didn’t know you were this violent. I didn’t know you had it in you. What’s the most violent thing you’ve ever done?

Bubbles: I don’t like talking about this shit but one Halloween this dude comes to Neverland for candy with his friend. He went as Michael and his friend was dressed as me. Michael thought the shit was cute but I don't really like that type of thing. So these motherfuckers is at the gate looking at us like on some Bizarro type shit. I'm not gonna really get into what else happened but if you check Santa Ynez hospital records for Halloween of 88 at Neverland you can "piece together" what happened. (Note: Bubbles made the quote signs with his hands.")

Hugh: I want to thank you for hobnobing with me for a minute Bubbles. A know a lot of real journalist tried to get an interview with you and you turned them down.

Bubbles: It was a no brainer fam. You know some of the same people I know. I watched some of the shows you worked on too. Wildnout was my shit. Nick Cannon be buggin. You should introduce me to Sinbad.

Hugh: Done deal.

Bubbles: I'm sorry I got upset earlier. But I know you're good people and an interview with you would be a real one.

Hugh: One last question man, Why didn't you attend the funeral?

Bubbles: I'm gonna quote something Nas said in the song We will survive "I had to put it in writin to keep me and Brooklyn from fighting me to pay my respects and move to the side, But I probably wouldn't have got off my knees to let people by"

Hugh: Oh yeah I loved that song. That's the one with the Kenny Loggins sample.

Bubbles: I might do that joint over again. I'd change some of the words and dedicate it to Michael.

Hugh: That would be hot. Did you hear that this might be a murder case?

Bubbles: I did. And you know what Hugh? I'm gonna just let the police do what they do because....

Bubbles gets angry and begins to cry, an aide puts a coat on him as he sniffles and tries to calm down.

Bubbles: If I should happen to run into that doctor first, I don't know man, I just, let's just say I have a lot of questions for him.

Bubble strikes the table which causes it to break in two. I'm startled by this eruption but I manage to remain calm.

Bubbles: Call me Hugh. I have to get out here. I'm sorry man.

Hugh: Peace Bubbles.

END.



2 comments:

rich said...

I am not even kidding you are seriously the funniest craziest person I have ever met...I am speechless.
too funny dude. way too funny.

reese said...

hilarious!