Friday, October 9, 2009

Golden Bling!


I saw this at a White Castle in Harlem. I went back the next week and it was gone. I can't help but wonder if they sold out of fake jewelry or if someone protested and had it removed. Then again I doubt that a person who eats at White Castle would be into protesting anything. My biggest regret is that I didn't get a couple of chains to take back to Cali.

Monday, September 7, 2009

G-G-G-G-GUS UNIT?



In NY the streets were abuzz over an elderly Harlem restaurant supply owner who killed 2 would be robbers with a shotgun and reopened his store the next day.



Rumor has it shopkeeper Charles (Gus) Augusto, 72 has been invited to join 50 Cents Hip Hop group G-unit. Please keep in mind this is just word on the street and nothing has been confirmed yet. In less than a week. Augusto's street cred increased exponentionally after shooting 4 (killing 2) criminals who tried to rob his store in Harlem. Numerous calls to Augusto have not been returned but that's understandable. It's not known whether he'll be replacing a current G-unit member just be an addition to the group. I'm torn on this rumor. One I think it's great that an
elderly man can be invited to join a platinum hip hop group. However I don't think it's cool that a person can win the respect of the streets because of his gun skills. He's 72 so I assume he'll just do local shows. All of that travel would be hell on a man of his age. It's not known yet if he'll rap or DJ. Many in the hip hop community think he may serve as the G-Unit hype man so that he won't be inundated with the difficult task of remembering lyrics. As of now this is just a rumor. When I get an official confirmation from the 50 Cent camp I'll pass it along.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

You look just like my man Harpo


This post is pretty much self explanatory. I was out drinking (but not driving) and we stopped at a spot called Fatburger. That's when I noticed this guy who looked like Harpo Marx if BET gave him a makeover. (Basically he'd be black and he'd talk a lot. Exec 1: "Yeah but his hook is he doesn't talk". Exec 2: "I don't give a damn, Make him black and make him loud!" ) This isn't in the video but I was tipsy enough to wave at him and he came running out the restaurant over to the car. His happiness was like that of a man who hadn't seen another human for over 50 years. As he approaches the car my friend says "oh shit" under his breath (he was white and scared) and I say to the guy "Oh I'm sorry, but you look just like my man Harpo." He was so happy that someone was talking to him that it didn't ever register that I might be talking about Harpo Marx (or he doesn't know who Harpo Marx is). He shook my hand and went back into the restaurant. My friend began laughing uncontrollably and repeating the line "you look just like my man Harpo." He's still laughing to this day.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Yep some more nostalgia

When I found out that Jam Master Jay was the guest DJ for a week on Vibe I came up with this cheesy idea. It was shot down by a higher up and I assumed that was the end of it. I showed it to my man Geoff (a fellow writer and funny comedian) just to see what he thought. As he was reading it he said "oh this is funny" and walked out with the sketch in hand. So now I'm wondering where he's going because the sketch has already been shot down. Geoff comes back into the office and says "yo, come on, Bad (they called Sinbad, Bad, a nickname within a nickname, haha,) says we're doing the sketch". Geoff and Sinbad were really close friends. I was merely an employee at that point. I remember giving Vibe guitarist Toshi the script and asking him if he could remember the lines in rehearsal. He nailed it. During rehearsal we found out Jay had that song "Jam Master Jay" that he cut's up during the real Run DMC intro. After rehearsal the wardrobe department asked us what we needed to wear for the sketch. Jay heard them and got on the phone. "Yo what size do yall wear?" Next day a bunch of brand new Adidas gear arrives in time for the show. (Sinbad said our attire was fake. Not a chance.) Jay was a nice guy, he signed my Run DMC greatest hits CD too. I still have the Adidas and I still cherish the memory. "God damn that DJ made my day." - Run DMC Peter Piper

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

How hot is it in NYC?

Too hot! Too humid! Even the pigeons were trying to stay out the sun. I just landed at JFK and this is one of the first things I see. I don't know if you speak spanish but the guy in the background is saying "hurry up and come get me. This idiot is video taping a couple of pigeons. Damn tourist are so annoying." I not a tourist! I'm from NYC loser!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Those Wild And Crazy Wrestlers




My favorite wrestler was alway the "wild" wrestler. The one they found in the jungle or in some remote land where he's so crazy he doesn't even speak english (or any other language). First of all if he's really wild, he wouldn't know who to attack. He'd attack his manager, the announcer and the referee. And once he attacked his opponent he'd never stop until the opponent was dead. He's uncivilized yet he knows how to deposit his checks and stop wrestling when the ref says break? This was the character that made me realize that wrestling was just "entertainment". I'd love to see the wild character in unscripted sports like basketball. He's so wild and fast he steals the ball as they inbound it and he immediately dunks it. He just keeps doing this over and over again. Even when the end of the quarter buzzer goes off he keeps dunking the ball and his teamates have to drag him back to the bench. Eventually the league changes the rules to take the boredom out of the game. They also kick him out the league because a NBA player can't be from "parts unknown".

What if he played football? Of course the wild football player sacks the quarterback and get's suspended for trying to eat him. He returns a few weeks later and does it again. He's suspended again for the rest of the season. Now everyone wants an interview with him but he doesn't have a publicist or phone (not to mention he's so wild he can't talk). The NFL allows him to come back but they institute a new "no growling or chewing the helmet" rule into the league. Some are pissed that he was reinstated faster than Michael Vick. When he returns the following season it's the highest rated game ever. The quarterback fumbles his first five possesions and the crowd boo's and chants of "coward" are directed toward him. He finally attempts a passing play and our wild player sacks him but as soon as the he and the qb hit the ground 20 police officers rush the field and arrest him for assault. The next day Al Sharpton holds a press conference and announces that the police have no right to stop this man from making a living. The video footage is the most tivoed moment in sports and no one can decide if he was about to eat the quarterback or not. Before a trial can be held our wild player dies a controversial death in jail. Some say he choked on a cellmate some say he was brutally beaten and then they stuffed part of the cellmate down his throat as a cover up. One day we'll know the truth.

Friday, August 7, 2009

More OLD STUFF

I guess it's better that I embarrass myself than let someone else do it.

Journalist Home - just a thought

Everyone is excited that Former President Clinton went to N. Korea and came home with 2 American journalist. I for one think we should reserve our joy until we find out if these are real journalist and not Korean knockoffs. Check the spelling on their drivers licenses and make sure they don't fade when you wash them.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Some OLD STUFF.

This is something I wrote back when I first came to Hollywood. I actually like this and I remember it was on Talk Soup twice. This was so long ago. I hope I don't regret posting this. Haha.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Marbury Madness

Craziness is based on perception and right now Stephon Marbury is perceived to be crazy. I'm sure you've seen the videos of Steph eating Vasaline......

and crying...

Let's examine how this NBA great in my opinion compares to other NBA greats.



Magic was known for passing the rock.

Steph is known for acting like he smoked the rock.

The NBA title was up for grabs and Kobe straight jacked it.

Steph acts like he needs a straitjacket.

Wilt claimed he bagged 20,000 groupies.

Some claim Steph may have smoked 20,000 bags of dust.

You know what? I'm a Knick fan ( I know he's no longer a Knick) and I'm a supporter of all NYC ball players (that list is too LONG too start naming names) so if you want me to remove this post I will. Ok, I might. But no one can deny that he brought this on himself. It's cool Steph. Crazy recognizes crazy. The web cam is the problem son. It's cool to eat Vaseline , hell you can make a Vaseline smoothie for all I care. Just don't do it in front of your web cam. I bet your friends Grandmother (who told you eating Vaseline was good for a sore throat) would beat your ass if she found out you did it on camera. Grandma: "I said eat it but not in front of the World!" It's also cool to cry to gospel songs but don't do it on purpose in front of your web cam. You knew that song made you cry before you played it. Now your boy is forced to console you again and this time it's on a web cam. If they recognize his hands on your shirtless body he may never hear the end of it. (I know the shirtless part is irrelevant but I'm just trying to be descriptive.)

Coming soon: The Starbury Straightjacket for crazy people who can't afford a name brand straitjacket. It has Steps number on the back (or front because straightjackets are on backwards anyway). By the way I'll be first on line to cop one.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Valentine's Day at White Castle?

You said you wanted to go out! Stop complaining!

If she wants to go to White Castle for Valentines day, she's no good for you.

If he suggests going to White Castle for Valentines day he's no good for you.

Don't forget to call the RESERVATION LINE. Remember how packed it was last year?

Ladies I don't know who he hates worse, you or his colon.....just kidding I love this place.

Friday, July 31, 2009

This is a sticker they were kind enough to post in Portland. Thanks for the warning guys. I'll stay away from those "Blacks".

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Interview with Bubbles the chimp.

It's business as usual in the lobby of the Sofitel hotel. Producers and managers lie to each other. Beautiful women try out dress each other as D list stars pretend to be A list stars. They say you can tell when a real star has entered a room because the energy changes and all eyes are on the star. Apparently a real star has entered the room. Due to autograph seekers and paparazzi (where did they come from?) It takes a few minutes for Bubbles and his entourage to make it to the area I have reserved for our interview. After I make sure that Bubbles knows I'm not a real journalist we get to it.

Hugh: What’s up Bubbles?

Bubbles: Nice meeting you Hugh. I heard a lot about you.

Hugh: I notice you haven't been in the public eye lately. What has Bubbles been up to?

Bubbles: I just chill at the crib a lot. I'm not gonna tell you where I live because I don't need the press annoying me. I remember how crazy things used to get when I lived with Michael. Helicopters and photographers hiding in the bushes. Fuck all that.

Hugh: Oh yeah my condolences man. Where were you when you heard the news?

Bubbles: I was at home watching the news like everyone else. Michael is the only one who had my number.

Hugh: So how did you get in touch with the family?

Bubbles: I called the family but their number changed. I ran into Jermaine Jr. and Jermajesty (2 of Jermaine’s sons) at a 7-11 and they didn't believe it was me. They thought it was another chimp trying to be me. They dropped their shit and ran

Hugh: Why didn't you go after them?

Bubbles: Come on man you know I'm not gonna be out there chasing motherfuckers. How would that shit look? A chimp chasing two black people in the street. It's cool though. I hadn't seen them since they were really little man.

Hugh: How did you finally get the number?

Bubbles: A friend of a friend know's members of the R&B group Full Force.

Hugh: Yeah I remember them. They're from Brooklyn right?

Bubbles: Well I dont' know about all that shit but they produced an album for Latoya back in the day and Baby Gerry, I think it was Baby Gerry, either Baby Gerry or Shy Shy had Latoyas old number and it turns out she never changed the shit. She had her own phone in her room at the house. So I spoke to Latoya and we reminisced and then she put Ms. Jackson on the phone. She's so sweet. She said they still loved me and I just started crying like a baby man. That family means a lot to me.

Hugh: I remember seeing old video footage or you and Michael. How did he treat you when there weren’t any cameras around?

Bubbles: Whatever Michael had I had. He's was always nice to me. Now the animal handlers? That's a different story. That's all I'm going say about that. Im working on a script about that right now.

Hugh: Will you be able to sell it?

Bubbles: That's not a problem at all. Lifetime and Animal Planet have already started a bidding war and I haven't even finished it yet. The problem is Animal Planet doesn't really have a film division and I'm not sure I want my script to be their guinea pig. You know what I'm saying?

Hugh: No doubt. That’s crazy, though. I didn't know you wrote.

Bubbles: I've been fucking around with writing for a minute. I wrote a romantic comedy back in 86 and Michael said it was too much like Moonstruck so I just let it collect dust. He was always on me to be original. Bubbles don’t bite, come up with your own shit. That’s what he used to say. I miss that dude.

Hugh: So you don’t want to act?

Bubbles: Not really, I'm gonna do some behind the scenes shit because when I'm in public or in front of the camera people just look at me like I'm a monkey. They don’t respect me when I act. Just my opinion. No offense to any other animal actors out there doing their thing.

Hugh: Why didn't you ever testify on Michaels behalf in court.

Bubbles: Because he didn't need me. He wasn't accused of animal abuse so I think I would have just been a distraction. Plus that shit would have looked stupid. A chimp on the witness stand. People would have thought Michael was crazy. I play my position baby. I don't fuck with court like that.

Hugh: Did you ever try and date Janet.

At this point, Bubbles stood up and put his hand in his pocket.

Bubbles: Ask me another dumb question like that and see what happens. I like you Hugh but if you ask me some ridiculous shit like that again and I'm gonna go ape on your ass.

Hugh: Leave the jokes to me. That shit isn't even remotely funny.

Bubbles: I'm not trying to be funny! You know primates and humans don't intermingle like that so don't ask questions like that. That shit is disgusting! No offense but hooking up with a human is just nasty. They eat squid, caviar, eggs, Crunch & Munch, chitterlings and pigs feet. You guys are nasty. No offense. When I was on tour with Michael I'd see sweat drip into the dancers mouths and they wouldn't even spit that shit out. Yuck!

Hugh: Damn son, I didn’t know you were this violent. I didn’t know you had it in you. What’s the most violent thing you’ve ever done?

Bubbles: I don’t like talking about this shit but one Halloween this dude comes to Neverland for candy with his friend. He went as Michael and his friend was dressed as me. Michael thought the shit was cute but I don't really like that type of thing. So these motherfuckers is at the gate looking at us like on some Bizarro type shit. I'm not gonna really get into what else happened but if you check Santa Ynez hospital records for Halloween of 88 at Neverland you can "piece together" what happened. (Note: Bubbles made the quote signs with his hands.")

Hugh: I want to thank you for hobnobing with me for a minute Bubbles. A know a lot of real journalist tried to get an interview with you and you turned them down.

Bubbles: It was a no brainer fam. You know some of the same people I know. I watched some of the shows you worked on too. Wildnout was my shit. Nick Cannon be buggin. You should introduce me to Sinbad.

Hugh: Done deal.

Bubbles: I'm sorry I got upset earlier. But I know you're good people and an interview with you would be a real one.

Hugh: One last question man, Why didn't you attend the funeral?

Bubbles: I'm gonna quote something Nas said in the song We will survive "I had to put it in writin to keep me and Brooklyn from fighting me to pay my respects and move to the side, But I probably wouldn't have got off my knees to let people by"

Hugh: Oh yeah I loved that song. That's the one with the Kenny Loggins sample.

Bubbles: I might do that joint over again. I'd change some of the words and dedicate it to Michael.

Hugh: That would be hot. Did you hear that this might be a murder case?

Bubbles: I did. And you know what Hugh? I'm gonna just let the police do what they do because....

Bubbles gets angry and begins to cry, an aide puts a coat on him as he sniffles and tries to calm down.

Bubbles: If I should happen to run into that doctor first, I don't know man, I just, let's just say I have a lot of questions for him.

Bubble strikes the table which causes it to break in two. I'm startled by this eruption but I manage to remain calm.

Bubbles: Call me Hugh. I have to get out here. I'm sorry man.

Hugh: Peace Bubbles.

END.